Writing While Grieving: The Space In Between

Last June, I wrote “An Expert In Grieving, Or Maybe Not,” processing, albeit myopically, that the depths of my grief could certainly not fall further into the abyss. I was wrong. I, of course, was viewing my immediate situation, forgetting the beautiful web of connection that family provides. My husband’s doctor’s words were just the beginning of the unraveling the past year has brought.

Two weeks later, not having shared my own burden, I learned my 40-year-old brother-in-law was diagnosed with advanced-stage pancreatic cancer. My sister and her husband met as teens. Their relationship survived the loss of a child. They came through this, raised another child, and just as my niece entered college, right when they were in their prime, came this. While I can understand my sister’s grief, having recently heard my own husband’s prognosis, I was particularly miffed as I had somehow felt my sister would be the one with a “happily ever after.”

You see, she and I come from a very long line of strange karma, where while we have happiness as a family, we have also experienced a disproportionate amount of loss. I lost my first love in an accident, and I fully expected to face the loss of a spouse before I was old. Statistically, I had a greater chance of navigating the loss of a spouse as my husband is nearly 20 years my senior. On the other hand, my sister met her spouse in her youth. They had grown up together. He absolutely adored her. They laughed together and, as a family, had one of the cleanest diets in our…